The Letter C

I can’t help but find myself searching for your face. The faint image I see is continuously fading, and I’m finding it harder and harder to remember.

The only time I can experience your face, your touch, your breath is when I touch myself. As I close my eyes, I experience it all and an ocean of emotion comes over me. But at the peak of it, I break down. It’s not real.

So as I right this contemplating how different watching the All Blacks game a few months ago I realise I miss you.

You are becoming and eventually will be a stranger. But for now, I will remember.

Saturday 14th September

I think it’s going to get easier and easier everyday but it doesn’t. I try to convince myself that I’m fine but I’m not. It still hurts just as bad.

Monday 12th August

The hardest thing about this all is it was so short lived, so temporary. 

It’s not fair and I struggle with it every day knowing that I have to wake up and forget you, us, everything. 

Your heart wasn’t ready to love and I gave myself fully to you. I trusted you and I loved you. I found myself so happy being with you, and that gave me the warmest feeling. I feel at home with you. 

I think the scariest thing is that I’m going to compare every one I meet now in life to you. And they won’t measure up. They won’t look at me the way you did or care for me the way you did. 

And that’s why I need to forget you. That’s why I wish we never met. 

Sunday 11th August

I will never regret loving or caring or fighting something that made me happy.

Thursday 25th July

He’s going to bed tonight with a smile on his face and masturbate over her. 

"It’s just a show" 

And I believed that. What bullshit. 

Monday 22nd July

You hold great importance to me. And if that importance can only be found in memories then so be it. 

Wednesday 17th July

If you had met me this time last year, I think you would’ve wanted me. 

If you had met me this time next year, I think you would’ve loved me. 

But we met now, and we’ve made a mess of things. 

Wednesday 17th July

The longer I spend analysing this previous relationship I begin to see, I was never going to be satisfied in the long haul. 

How are you suppose to create moments with one who has already experienced so many things in life, has other commitments and bigger priorities? 

I would’ve made exceptions and I would’ve done my best to still get what I wanted in life while embracing the circumstances.

But I want the experience of falling in love, getting married and starting a family to be an adventure with one who hasn’t been exposed to that already. 

I want my soul to connect and my heart to commit to one person and that to be reciprocated. That is the one and only thing I truly hope to discover in life.  

Monday 8th July

I can’t touch myself because all I do is think of you and that moment of bliss becomes and overwhelming sadness that I can’t control. 

Sunday 7th July

I look at you and I stare deep into those eyes looking for a sign of life in your soul and I see nothing. 

I hear your voice exhausted, drained of compassion and interest when you speak to me. 

This is how I know it’s done. This is how I know it’s over.

Tuesday 2nd July